This Is What Grace Looks Like (Trigger warning)

 Growing up, I knew God because of my great-grandma—my Granny. She was my safe place, my comfort, and the one who first taught me about Jesus. When she passed away on October 3rd, 2008, I was 14 years old, and it shattered me. That day is one I will never forget.

After she died, I didn’t just lose her… I felt like I lost God, too.

In my heart, it felt like He had taken my best friend from me. My safe place was gone, and everything after that started to fall apart. My family struggled, and somewhere in all that pain, I walked away from God. I was angry. Hurt. Lost.

I graduated in 2013 and got accepted into the College of the Ozarks, a Christian school. But I hated it. I wasn’t in a place where I wanted anything to do with God, and eventually I was given a choice—to change or leave. So I left and went to OTC instead, continuing to live life on my own terms.

Then in 2015, something changed.

I went to a camp for deaf young adults because some friends invited me. I hadn’t seen them in a while, so I went—but I walked in with an attitude. The kind that says, “try me.” I thought I had everything figured out, or at least I acted like I did.

God knew exactly what I needed.

I met several people there—Vivian, Bob, Linda, and others—but Vivian played a huge role in my story. When I walked in, they all kind of looked at each other like, “Oh boy…” and Vivian actually tried to escape into the kitchen.

But I love to cook… so of course, I followed her.

I asked if she needed help, and instead of judging me or pushing anything on me, she showed me grace. She showed me love. She just let me be—and that’s exactly how God reached me.

After a day of being there, I felt something I hadn’t felt in a long time. A pull.

So I asked to talk to them privately.

And I let everything out.

I told them about losing my Granny and how angry I was at God. I told them about being sexually assaulted at 16/17 by a 25-year-old man. I told them how my life felt like it was spinning completely out of control.

And then Vivian said something that changed my life forever.

She told me, “God didn’t abandon you. He was right there with you—holding your hand and hurting with you.”

In that moment, I broke.

I cried, and for the first time in a long time… I let God back in.

But my story didn’t end there.

A few years later, I lost my way again. Addiction will do that. I spiraled. I became suicidal. I strayed far from who I knew I was supposed to be.

But even then… I felt it.

The conviction. The guilt. The quiet reminder that God was still there—because once you’ve truly let Him in, you can’t ignore His presence.

Then I got pregnant.

God gave me my son, Jeb, and he changed my life. My firstborn healed parts of me I didn’t even know could be healed. I still struggled, but something inside me started shifting.

But on April 1st, 2021, everything came crashing down.

I had been doing better. I was trying. I was healing. But I was told I was a horrible mom… that I didn’t deserve my son because I had allowed my mom to take care of him while I focused on my mental health.

Those words broke me.

I went to my grandpa’s land… and I tried to end my life.

But God wasn’t finished with me.

I was found. I had to be life-flighted to the hospital. And somehow, I survived.

God knew it wasn’t my time to come home.

After that, everything changed.

I went back to church. I started rebuilding my life. I started walking back toward where I had always belonged.

In January of 2022, I moved to Kansas City to be closer to my now fiancé, bringing my son with me. Life continued, and while I believed, I still felt like I was teetering—half in, half out.

Then my miracle baby came… and again, everything shifted.

And one day, I had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to check on my stepson.

When I did, he was actively overdosing.

That wasn’t a coincidence. That was God.

From that moment on, I stopped holding back. I stopped living halfway in my faith. I gave myself fully.

I am not perfect.

I have never been perfect.

And I never will be.

But I love God with everything I have.

And I’ve learned this—God doesn’t expect perfection. If He did, He wouldn’t have chosen the people He did. Just look at the disciples… broken, flawed, real people.

Just like me.
Just like you.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” — Psalm 34:18